Shock news: patent agents like patents

I recently read yet another advert-dressed-up-as-a-letter by a patent attorney in the IET’s E&T magazine.

I’m a member of the IET, so it galls me that
a) they aren’t banging the drum in support of restricted access to the title Engineer.

b) they continue to publish articles talking about the need to ‘recruit’ over two million new engineers by 2017. No chance, at current fee rates…and they mostly mean technicians anyway.

c) the magazine, and the profession, uncritically accept that patents offer a way for inventors to make money from ideas.

Anyway, here is my ranting response:

Patently obvious

Fraser Brown writes to defend ‘our’ patents system. It is not surprising that, as a patent attorney, he regards it as both fair and fit for purpose. Those of us who have ideas know better. Only established companies can even begin to consider paying the costs associated with hiring members of Mr Brown’s profession. Lone inventors are almost completely excluded from the benefits he mentions.

It’s nonsense to suggest that it’s even possible for the UK’s most inventive people to ‘take on the big boys’ via patents. Leaving aside drafting costs, we simply can’t afford policing or litigation. In practice, and in the absence of rich friends, the only way is to form an alliance with a corporate and tolerate the comparatively poor deals that that entails (if you can even find one that will listen). Otherwise, UK inventors have to use their creativity to skirt around existing patents or spot opportunities for quick sales of uncontended product ideas.

Patrick Andrews CEng

#1812: ArcBars

Today’s invention is bicycle handlebars which can be reconfigured into many different styles.

The front forks are made of tubes in circular arcs. Other tubes are fitted telescopically inside these.

The interior ones can be pulled out almost completely, twisted through an angle and locked in place.

This allows, for example, a more upright riding position (A) or a much more aggressive racing pose (B) -as well as almost any other arrangement in between.

#1811: N2end

A friend recently reminded me about the Kamm back aerodynamic design for road vehicles.

I have also been reading about the genius who has invented a car engine which runs on liquid nitrogen.

Today’s invention is a related approach.

A vehicle has a tank of liquid nitrogen aboard. In order to boost the ‘air’ pressure at the rear of the vehicle, and cut the form drag radically, it continuously releases some of the nitrogen into the space which would otherwise be a low-pressure, fuel-wasting vortex.

#1810: Wavetrain

I’ve had some thoughts before about ways in which (dangerous) level crossings might be eliminated.

Today’s invention is in the same mould.

It consists of a train the carriages of which are joined by a hinge which can be moved from the base to the roof (pink dots).

The hinges are powered so that carriages can exert torque on each other.

As the train approaches a level crossing where a conventional vehicle is crossing (grey), so the train arches up and over the crossing as a bridge-shaped wave passes backwards through the train.

#1809: QueueQuill

Today’s invention is a propelling ‘pencil’ of the segmented type, except that each of the little units consists of a biro, fibre tip, rollerball or fountain type nib, together with its own small reservoir of appropriate ink.

All nibs could be of different widths and inks of different colours.

#1808: Spinstilettos

High heels aren’t really made for walking in. They also have a tendency to cause ankle and leg injuries.

Today’s invention is a high-heel shoe which has a slight platform sole and in which a gyroscope with a vertical axis is located.

Every time the shoe is placed on the ground, the gyroscope fires up in order to maintain the sole parallel to the floor. This stabilises the wearer’s ankle, making it much less likely that she will fall over.

Once the shoe is lifted off the floor, the gyroscope is braked, so that normal leg movements are again possible.

This might also keep the wearer’s feet warm, whilst traversing eg a red carpet.

#1807: Lmobile

Those learning to drive have a hard time.

Once you can drive, though, it’s easy to swap to a new vehicle. Today’s invention is therefore a specialist car for learners.

Painted in bright yellow, for extra detectability, it has a number of special features.

As well as extra elastic bumpers (1), it has mirrors equipped with cameras which can tell when the learner is looking at them (2). These would ensure that signalling and changing direction only happened after checking behind.

The instructor would have dual controls but would be seated in the rear, so as to allow for better visibility and a greater sense, in the mind of the pupil, of their being in control (3).

Doors would be transparent for improved vision but also to provide an understanding of the vulnerability of car occupancy (4).

Lastly, (5) data from the vehicle’s sytems could be recorded on an onboard computer for later interpretation.

#1806: TippleTilt

For geeks who are keen on the physics of wine, today’s invention is a possible gift.

A base unit can accommodate any wine bottle, once opened.

A semicircular cam moves laterally backwards and forwards along the base, changing the angle of the bottle from moment to moment.

This it does in order to maximise the surface area of liquid, so as to let it ‘breathe’ effectively, but without spilling any wine.

This is a complex optimisation problem, given the internal geometry of bottles, which is probably best solved by iteration.

Each time wine is drunk from the bottle and it is replaced on the base, the bottle would find a new angle, but stilll not splash any on the table.

#1805: ResTrainer

I was thinking how little security is on display in British railway stations. Doors are left open and all sorts of people mill about the platforms.

What if some crazy were to hijack a train and crash it into the buffers in a main station? 40 tonnes at 120 MPH would be a disaster, if it couldn’t be diverted into a siding in time.

Today’s invention is a massive railway car which, in such an emergency, could be dropped onto the tracks using a purpose-built mobile crane outside a mainline station.

As a runaway train approached, the car would motor towards it and make gentle contact at matching speed. It would fire up a rocket motor, to retard the train and then apply its brakes so as to prohibit entry to any station.

A combination of these forces, under software control, would halt the train, without causing impact injuries to its occupants.

#1804: SeCuring

If you want to stop someone copying your electromechanical product -and selling it as their own, you could try obtaining a patent in that someone’s country. If you don’t have the cash, consider today’s invention.

Sensors within the machine’s casing would detect any attempt to open internal enclosures that weren’t required for normal maintenance/access. These could be wired to a hidden mobile phone which would alert you as manufacturer.

Rather than generating a ‘cease and desist’ letter, however, these sensors would automatically release a fast-curing epoxy cement within the enclosures.

One component of the resin would be impregnated with metal fibres, so that the device would short itself out before being encased like a fly in amber.

This tactic is reasonably cheap, poses no danger to anyone, but results in a collection of nonfunctioning bricks which is no longer cost effective to reverse-engineer.

Personally, in advance of any of this, I like the idea of having the phone say “This device will self destruct in five seconds…”