Category: Whimsical inventions

Today’s invention is an alternative to conventional contact lenses, at least for those who are shortsighted. People with this condition (I’m one) have eyes which focus the incoming light in front of the retina, rather than at its surface.

So, why not distort the back of the eyeball inwards just a little? Isaac Newton tried this using a bodkin (packing needle), but I envisage something more like a fat contact lens, made of eg PTFE which would be attached to the outside of the rear sclera, causing the retina to be moved forwards a little but without distorting its shape and staying out of the way of the optic nerve as the eye rotates.

This could be put in place under local anesthetic (and a more advanced version might contain a radio-controlled piezo-electric spring, allowing the amount of distortion to be varied externally).

Left to their own devices, books accumulate bugs and dust. Today’s invention provides a way to keep the atmosphere in libraries fresher and less hazardous to asthmatics.

It consists of a pair of bookends and a series of small clips. The clips attach to the book covers, as shown.

The bookends, which are mounted on small wheels, are driven slowly outwards and inwards by a motor in each -creating a bellows effect between the pages of the books.

The frequency and amplitude of the bookend motors’ movement can be selected by the user.

The number of tools which a penknife can be expected to accommodate is now phenomenal…but any of these with even the slightest possible use as a weapon are banned from air travel.

You can even buy eg an MP3 player from Victorinox which, oddly, comes “with or without blades” (In the latter case it seems to have none of the essential pull-out functionality of its stablemates).

Today’s invention, however, is a ‘penknife’ with only an entirely innocuous collection of tools on board: eg magnifying glass, tweezers, torch, memory stick, watch …

Drumsticks which are used outside eg by military bands can be hard to handle in cold weather (especially if the uniform doesn’t include gloves).

Today’s invention is to equip drumsticks with a hollow core into which can be inserted a tube of exothermic chemicals.

Any problems arising from the effect of this on the balance of the sticks could be addressed by fitting a small, screw-out weight to the distal (ie non-drumming) end of each to help finetune its feel.

Crampons are all very well for ice climbing, but today’s invention represents an attempt to upgrade them to something better than the era of heroes like Hillary had access to.

Imagine boots whose soles have an array of studs. These studs are in the shape of sharp screws of differing diameter.

When the studs sense that they are pressing against a surface, a motor in each boot rotates the studs in contact with the surface so that the boot is temporarily screwed to it.

Another sensor then detects any pronounced tension as the wearer attempts to lift the boot and rapidly unscrews the studs from the ice.

In this way, more secure contact is established when walking or climbing, even enabling someone to walk on overhangs or eg the roof of an ice filled cave.

Today’s invention is a way to make use of the dribbles from a cup or glass.

Each drinking vessel at a party would have a press-on disc attached to its base. This would have machined into its underside a series of channels in the shape of a logo, a celebratory message or an advert.

The disc would fit neatly (in only one rotational position) within a coaster which forms part of the kit. When any dribbles flow onto the base of the glass, they fill the engraved advert (by surface tension) and magically leave a message on the coaster (or any other surface the glass is set upon).

Train timetables are predicated on the need to ensure that train A completes its journey to station X before train B can.

One way to allow express trains and slow trains to travel simultaneously is to provide them with mobile track sections on their roofs (as shown).

This allows a faster train to overtake a slower one -providing extra flexibility and utilisation of a railway network.

People can feel affection for others even if they don’t necessarily find them that visually attractive. It could be argued that someone’s looks are a less good indicator of their suitability as a mate than one’s internal feeling about them. These may not be conscious, but are roughly indicated by the degree to which one’s pupils automatically widen when seeing them.

When you look at a nearby object, using multifocal lenses, your pupils widen and that allows light to pass through a larger number of long-focal-length rings of concentric lens material…and vice versa.

Today’s invention is a contact lens which allows the wearer to inspect a large number of photographs of potential mates. The viewing distance is set so that wide pupils will allow the image to appear in perfect focus, thus showing that the image is of one to whom the wearer is strongly attracted emotionally.

When a crowd of people tries to escape from eg a crashed aircraft, all sorts of counterintuitive things take place. An obstacle placed near the exit actually splits an escaping throng and can speed up everyone’s departure.

Today’s invention is suggested as an approach to helping individuals in a crowd get away from eg a crash landing. It’s based on the idea that people are less than optimally guided when frightened and confused by their view of what’s going on.

Passenger seats would each be equipped with an opaque fabric hood (this would still allow breathing but limit smoke ingress somewhat). The hood would have the equivalent of a mobile phone inside driving a number of circumferential buzzers.

A fireproofed system on the plane would know the seat layout and pressure sensors on the floor would form a map of the locations of people and potential obstacles.

Passengers in a crash landing would have been trained to don the hood and move in the direction of the active buzzer from moment to moment -even stopping briefly as directed.

The buzzer behaviour would be determined, for any individual, by an algorithm determining how to channel and time people’s movements based on the locations and movements of other passengers.

(This might work best for highly trained people, such as naval personnel, inside a burning ship).