Category: Whimsical inventions

Big tools and equipment for building work are now widely available for rent. This means that an ever wider variety of dangerous kit is in the hands of amateurs in the construction trade -each of whom may have undertaken only a few weekend classes in bricklaying.

Today’s invention is therefore an instruction movie which takes the form of a helical tape of individual, stamp-sized images stuck on the outside of a cement mixer.

As the mixer rotates, a zoetrope-like silent movie, illustrating eg some of the finer points of pointing, is played. There would be a range of such movies in support of different aspects of self-build projects.

As ever, when I hear of some problem, I’m usually thinking of a way to turn it to advantage.

There is now so much junk up there in space that the shuttle is having to jink out of the way occasionally to avoid the odd bag of tools or gas oven that they jettisoned on a previous orbit. Even colliding with a fleck of paint, at the kinds of relative velocity available in orbit, can cause toughened glass to perforate.

Today’s invention is to make use of this space junk. When building giant machines in orbit, as I believe is planned for eg forthcoming space stations, it would surely be useful to have a serious drilling facility. Instead of injecting a huge machine into space, align the workpiece in the back of a shuttle or equivalent and steer towards a piece of junk of the right size and velocity.

Presto, guaranteed holes in whatever you want. This technique might also be used to erode the surface of workpieces, providing a form of milling machine.

There would need to be a ‘swarf shield’ following this workshop, to catch the resulting debris, but at least much of its kinetic energy would have been dissipated as heat in the machining process. This heat might also be used to form materials in eg casting and forging processes.

Today’s invention is a new form of motorcycle chain. Each link has the ability to lock to its neighbour(s) rigidly, on receipt of a computer-controlled signal (using something like a small solenoid).

As the chain is driven in the usual way, at a) it becomes flexible as normal and at b) it becomes a rigid beam. The situation reverses at c).

Clever timing of the signals allows this smart chain to act as lever arm and springs, thus reducing the weight of the machine by a significant factor.

Today’s invention is a way to reduce the noise nuisance caused by ‘cruising’ cars with loud music systems.

It is an automatic volume control which turns down one’s in-car entertainment in correspondence with a combination of factors: a) the degree to which the windows are open b) the lateness of the hour c) the proximity of hospitals and nursing homes d) the slowness with which the car is being driven.

When the volume or any of the latter four factors is sensed to be on the increase, then the windows automatically close tightly.

If some young person wants to drive fast during daylight with the windows rolled up and miles from anywhere then they are welcome to ‘pump up the volume’ -otherwise I decline to share their taste in audio.

It offends me to see giant lorries trundling across the countryside half-empty.

One of the worst examples of unnecessary, air-filled packaging is the toilet roll.

Today’s invention is a process which takes each pack of conventional rolls and flattens them so that their cylindrical cardboard tubes contain no air. Packs would be shrink-wrapped in the usual way before transportation -a volume saving of at least 20%.

To use each roll, simply open the central tube and insert the normal axle of the ‘holder’ (a conical, mandrel-like device or even a cylindrical, spiral spring could be purchased by purists who demanded perfectly cylindrical rolls).

I’m tired of having to clean my keyboard routinely so as to limit the amount of dust, grime and germs that builds up there.

Today’s invention is a computer key the back face of which acts as a piston. Each time the key is depressed, it descends into a smooth walled well and drives air before it so as to clean the well out. The keys each have a small central hole which is covered by the finger when pressing but which admits clean air from the top face when the finger is removed.

All keys have wells and these are adjacent, so that no gaps lie between them. Gradually, crud from the keyboard migrates across the keyboard and off onto one’s lap (or the floor).

Little used keys might result in the need for an occasional on-screen reminder to pump these clean. There might even be a keyboard sequence developed for optimal transfer of dirt from the middle of the typing area to a collection pad at the edge.

Today’s invention is an aid to those of us who need to lose some weight.

It consists of a fridge door handle which is held shut by a spring mechanism. pumping the handle for a certain number of times, against the spring resistance, is required to allow the door to open and the food inside to be accessed.

This principle might be extended to a number of separate compartments within a fridge or cupboard, each with a sprung-closed lid and an individual counter.

Today’s invention is a synthetic biometric system which takes the form of a pair of false eyelashes.

Each of these has its high-contrast lashes distributed so as to act as a barcode.

This can be recognised within a digital image, allowing non-contact identification of the wearer in high-convenience/low-security scenarios (two sets of lashes would provide a greater level of assurance than many existing face recognition systems).

I love mechanical clocks. Their ticking is for me reassuring but I know people for whom the opposite is true of certain clock sounds.

Today’s invention is an MP3-based sound generator module + speakers for digital (or quiet mechanical) clocks. The sounds would be either digitally generated or recorded direct from historical clocks.

This type of unit could be placed discreetly behind any timepiece allowing a variety of different ticking sounds to be selected (as well as chiming the quarter-hours, if you really fancy it – although chimes would need to be electronically adjusted to match the digital time displayed with any ancient sounds).

Naturally, the volume would be controllable remotely (and programmable so that all the sound effects could be muted at night).