#1239: PopPout

I’m disturbed to read about various lipsticks and lip salves which provide, apparently, a nice comfy haven for germs and bugs.

Today’s invention is therefore a pop-up pencil device which contains a number of single-use lipstick or lip salve pellets which, once used, are forced into the bottom end to make the next one available.

Each pellet would have just enough for one (or two) applications, so that no-one need be wiping their mouth with an infected microbiological substrate.

If the outer sleeve were made transparent, each of the pellets could be of a different colour, so that one could choose to coordinate with the mode du jour.

#1238: Blink-Ink

3-D is the new 2-D. If you are fed up though with having to wear those cardboard and cellophane specs to watch the latest movie, today’s invention can help.

It consists of a double-ended aerosol filled with organic dye. This is used to spray a small patch of semipermanent red dye on the inside of one eyelid and a small patch of greenish blue dye on the inside of the other.

When you close your eyes in front of a suitably coloured stereo pair of images on a screen which has the illumination ramped way up, you can not only see shapes on the screen through your lids but they will, in addition appear to be 3-dimensional.

This would allow you to watch 3-D movies whilst appearing for example to be asleep (should that ever be necessary).

#1237: Choppercropper

When you learn to parachute jump, they teach you to perform a special landing technique called a PLF. This is intended to provide a more gradual and thus less jarring impact with terra all too firma.

Today’s invention is to orient a crashing helicopter in such a way that the tail rotor arm hits the ground first, absorbing a lot of the kinetic energy as gradual, gross plastic deformation of this region.

This reorientation could be achieved by eg having small wings extend explosively from the sides of the tail boom at the moment when the main rotor was sensed to have failed.

The tail could be designed to be internally like an automotive crush zone and also potentially angled much less upwards from the horizontal than normal.

This would allow the cabin to avoid auguring in by having its untimely descent slowed (a bit like a factory chimney demolished by the legendary Fred Dinbah).

#1236: WashScreen

Today’s invention is dedicated to Steven Hammer (by way of thanks for his many comments).

In response to his request for a way to screen trouser pockets for paper tissues, before placing them in the washing machine, it takes the form of inserts which are attached by cables to the trouser zip.

Before the trousers are removed, the zip must be pulled downwards -which in turn extracts the pocket liners.

These would be made of an open-weave mesh so that the trouser pocket contents would be exposed and the liners removed before the washing began.

#1235: FlightDeck

I read recently about how fighter planes are frequently scrambled in response to the use of certain words in transmissions from planes. Words like “bomb” and “hijack”.

The fighters are supposed to deflect an aerial attack by first making rude gestures at some incoming plane, followed after a decent interval, by shooting it down (presumably so that it crashes somewhere less publicity-worthy -ie anywhere that isn’t London).

Today’s invention attempts to avert this disaster. In the event that an airliner was suspected of being used in an attack, a special aircraft would be launched from the nearest airport.

This would be effectively a flying bombproof runway or deck. The deck plane would approach from underneath and behind (invisible from inside the captive aircraft).

It would activate the engine cutoff valves, causing the plane to settle onto the deck and be held in place by clamps on the wings. The captive plane could be boarded by special forces and the combined craft landed somewhere discreet very rapidly.

#1234: StopWash

Today’s invention is a washing machine which detects things other than clothes before these items get washed (and destroyed).

Each item of clothing has its barcode scanned before being inserted into the washing machine. The machine weighs each item by taking note of the weight on board before and after addition of each.

Later, when say a shirt is inserted, if the weight fails to match the recorded weight for that particular piece of clothing, a small alarm sounds to indicate the presence of your phone, loose change, pen, keys, calculator, passport, etc.

#1233: RampAmps

I share my surname with the designer of the Titannic, so watching the launch of big ships has a special fascination for me.

Today’s invention is a way to retrieve some of the massive amounts of potential energy stored in a ship under construction on a slipway.

Ships, when the bottle breaks on their bows, currently have to slowed down by various means, including drag chains, in order not to knife across the dock channel and run aground.

Instead, I’d suggest holding the ship in place with chains which are wound around an onshore axle. As the ship descends, the chains turn a giant flywheel attached to a generator. In this way, not only is the ship’s launch more controlled, but some of the energy can be converted to eg light the yard or power its machinery.

#1232: Minedmilk

Today’s invention is the latest weapon in the communal-fridge wars.

To stop people stealing one’s (personal) milk, insert a plastic device which consists of a number of yellowish globules linked by a few strands of fishing line. The globules float near the surface and the lines are almost invisible.

This gives the impression, when viewed through the bottle wall or neck, of milk substantially past its use-by and thus deters all but the most desperate kleptolactics.

This device is sterilisable between uses and easily placed in a bottle but won’t pour into one’s cup every time the milk is used.

#1231: Incendascent

Glider pilots won’t hear tell of carrying any kind of motor aboard their craft which might be used to save them in an emergency (a parachute is just about acceptable among engineless aviators).

I talked yesterday to a gliding enthusiast and she mentioned that when trying to find a landing site, she will routinely seek out any sources of warmth on the ground, as even the sun-warmed wall of a hut can provide a lifesaving updraught.

Today’s invention is a magazine of high intensity flares which are dropped on the ground when a glider pilot runs out of lift sources and landing sites.

The pilot flies in a circle and and drops the flares at intervals. These have a brightly coloured casing and when returned to the owner, provide the retriever with a payment. They have an insulated base so that heat can escape only upwards.

On a second circuit, this time over the flares, the glider picks up enough altitude to hedgehop home.

#1230: CooledTool

Machine-assembled glazing units are inherently hard to break through -even when one is fortified by adrenalin in an emergency.

Today’s invention is an update to the standard glass-breaking escape hammer often found on public transport.

It takes the form of a conventional hammer, modified by the inclusion of a small, very high-pressure gas cylinder. When the hammer impacts the window surface, this breaks a seal on the cylinder allowing the gas to rush out. This expansion can be arranged to be sufficiently energetic that the glass surface becomes rapidly cooled locally and therefore embrittled.

This in turn allows the hammer to penetrate the window much more easily (a similar system might be used instead of detonator cord in the canopies of fighter jets with ejector seats).