#115: Hoover improver

I’m sick to death of buying vacuum cleaners that don’t. Whether it’s a Dyson (greedy price, tacky mechanicals) or a Hoover (zero capacity, instant clog) they simply fail to pick up enough of the crud that inhabitats my floors.

So, inevitably, today’s invention (patent not pending) is a truly revolutionary machine that could take the exciting international marketplace for skin cell collection and dust management by storm (or so it will boast on the packaging -these cleaner guys do get carried away sometimes).


This consists of the usual box with an inlet and an outlet pipe. Inside the box, at the outlet, a glorified roll of toilet paper would be inserted, so that the paper covers the outlet (lying on some kind of open grid, for support). As the household games progress, the paper begins quickly to clog with small particles but -here’s the fun bit- the paper is continuously advanced across the outlet so that suction is uninterrupted by clogging. Something like a 35mm film advance mechanism, from the days before digital eveything.

The paper could be made slightly adhesive so that much of the dirt would remain attached to it for easier cleaning out later. The larger detritis would fall in the box in the usual way.

It would even be possible to have the paper move faster when the power drawn by the motor increased (ie when clogging was taking place). Somebody really smart will come up with a way to advance the paper using the motion of the air itself.

The manufacturers thus get to sell something ‘New and Improved’ together with superannuated bog roll.

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